By: Laura Bennett
When your mind wanders, what thoughts do you arrive at? There are many things that can fill our mind, but for many of us the relationships we have with friends and family, and even our own sense of wellbeing, can take up a lot of headspace.
Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counsellor who specialises in dating, marriage and relationship issues, along with a host of mental health disorders and challenges.
Known for her convention-busting response to Christian dating culture in True Love Dates, and her psychology-based approach to love and relationships, Debra is now asking readers to go deeper with her new book Are You Really OK?
Debra said, βThe health of our relationships is actually a reflection of our personal healthβ.
A lot of the root causes behind why we may be struggling in relationships β romantic or otherwise β can come back to unaddressed aspects of our own mental health that we need to face.
βIn scripture, we see that the purposes of a personβs heart are like deep waters (Proverbs 20:5), but one who has insight draws them out.β Debra said.
βUnderstanding our hearts and motivation isnβt like turning on a tap, βyouβve got to go in and draw out those watersβ.β
Source: Debra Fileta Facebook / Author Debra Fileta on Focus with the Family
Admitting that youβre not OK though can be a struggle for some, especially Christians who may link it to a βlack of faithβ or consider it a spiritual flaw. Yet, Debra believes getting over the hurdle of realising you can be broken and arenβt invincible is an important truth to embrace.
βI honestly think itβs more dangerous for us to think that weβre OK, than it is for us to think that weβre not OK.β Debra said.
βBecause when we recognise that weβre not OK, weβre at a place to receive healing. Weβre at a place to grow, and change, and transform and get to the next level of healing.
βWhereas when we think weβre doing fine, thatβs when weβre actually the most susceptible because our guard is down. Our eyes are closed to what is actually happening.
βI see the thought of being βnot OKβ, as a really powerful and courageous place to be.β
Along with admitting you can fail, one of the greatest challenges to our overall health is feeling like you keep failing over and over again β especially around the same issues. Be it anxiety, addiction, bitterness or not being able to let go of shame for instance.
When that feeling comes, Debra said itβs important to know βwe all suffer, we all struggle with something in different seasonsβ.
βI want people to realise itβs not a setback when you find something new. [Normally we think] βOh, here I go again, I thought I kicked thisβ.
βYouβve got to see it as, βOK Lord, this is the next layer of healing. What do you want to do now? You want to take me one more level? You want to heal me one more layer?β
βAnd instead of getting discouraged and running from the healing, you need to see it as God saying, βThis is the next level, Iβm about to do something new. Letβs do this togetherβ.β
A major cause of guilt and shame in Christian communities can be around romantic relationships. In an environment that sometimes says βsingleness is a giftβ or that βJesus should be enoughβ, singles looking for life partners can feel bad for still craving connection.
However, Debra said, βThereβs no guilt, no shame there, because we were made for relationshipβ.
βYour desire for love is not a reflection of your lack of faith. Your desire for love is a reflection of the fact you were made in the image of a God who made you for love.
βInstead of trying to snuff out that desire with all kinds of other things, I think we need to embrace it. We need to lean into it and work out what it looks like to enable those relationships in healthy ways.β
Debra Filetaβs book Are You Really OK? is out now.
Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.
About the Author: Laura is a media professional, broadcaster and writer from Sydney, Australia.